The 4 things you listed are so insightful. And I realize that God can use this process of all this decision making for his glory. I let my frustration get the better of me. I think God is working big time in getting me to TRUST him in all this craziness. It's kind of funny—the doctors look at my charts and are a bit dumbfounded. My recent hearing test shows that I have at least 50% hearing loss in my left ear but another test shows that the nerves are working at a normal level. Two ear specialists can't explain the reason for this. Crazy. Thank you for reminding me to just keep going and trust that even thru the logistics God can be glorified.

Don't we just WISH that the handwriting on the wall in Daniel 5 was the way God commonly worked? Wow, wouldn't THAT change life! Unfortunately (really unfortunately) it was a once in history occurrence. Drat. Unfortunately, while bathing your thought processes in prayer, you just need to...

1. Consider your values, because our values often make our decisions for us
2. List the alternatives
3. Consider what more information we need
4. Weigh how much risk we are ready to take

...and with fear and trembling make the best decision we are able. God often guides our thought processes in ways we are totally unaware, and he often helps us in undetectable ways. So despite that we would just to be surrounded by a flash of light and hear a voice telling us what to do, the whole process is much more mundane than that. We have to weigh the pros and cons, and of course none of the choices are a clear winner, and make the best choice we can.

Stinks, doesn't it?

But God works SO MUCH inside of us. This is where he shines. Our thoughts, our values and priorities, our wisdom and sense of peace. Pray. Think it through. Pray some more. Talk about it. Pray some more. Come to an uneasy decision, but trust that God has been part of the process. it would be nice if you could tell, but you might not. No matter. He's there.

I made it thru the dr. appointment. But on my 90 min. drive home I became more and more frustrated. The dr. wants to refer me to 2 more drs. I feel like I keep jumping thru hoops. When do I stop? Which hoop do I jump thru? I actually have 3 paths in front of me to choose from. It's driving me crazy. How do I know what to do? I started yelling at God to just tell me what to do and I'll do it.

Yep, you only got it because you went through hell. They will get it as God teaches them, both through you and through their own life experiences. Some will never get it, because they haven't been gifted with suffering. (Jeez, that's hard to say and hard to digest, eh?) I go through the same thing—it's almost impossible to explain it to people who haven't been there, just like a trip to Machu Picchu or something. Unless you've been there, how could you ever understand? But I struggle to tell it, realizing that little by little God is building a chain in their lives too, and I get to be part of that. Yes, God is using even me. Imagine that—a worthless piece of trash like myself, and God is using me. Absolutely amazing.

I'm grasping it more. But I've been so frustrated about the people in my life that just don't get it. THAT is what makes this whole thing so painful. I want them to understand. I've been so mad at them for not listening, for having such a thick skull about what I'm trying to say, for their blindness. But I just got it - it's not up to me to worry about that. God will take care of that. It's like I've been worried that God will not use all this pain for something good. I don't want to go through this for nothing. I want to see results. I gotta let go and trust God that He is doing so much more than I can ever imagine.

Yes, that is exactly what it's saying. Since God's power shows itself more in weakness than in strength (2 Cor. 12.9), Christ's power is now resting on you far greater than it used to. Absolutely. So many people doing "stuff" for God fall into the category of Mt. 7.21-23. Now, I'm not implying that was you, but it's still true about many. But the person who is broken reveals God to others in valuable ways (2 Cor. 4.7), and his life is revealed in you more now than it could ever be in any other circumstance. It makes you SO valuable to Him, as if you are one of God's special ambassadors. (Look at what he's done with Joni Earickson and so many others.) He doesn't have many like you. Your faith, far more than other people's, results in praise, glory, and honor to God (1 Peter 1.6-7). All of us Christians are lights of the world, but someone like you is a BEACON. You, of all people, will show to the world what "complete" is (James 1.3-4), because of your depth that other people never reach, don't understand, and couldn't begin to communicate. You see, THAT's what we rejoice in. Not the pain, but for the life of God that is being birthed in us, and the focus that our suffering gives us, and the sense of clarity and understanding we get. We can, in a very strange sense, have a real peace about it all, because we understand. We don't rejoice IN our suffering (Yay! I'm in pain today!!), but instead we rejoice IN our suffering (I have a focus, clarity, faith and understanding that I would not have seen in ANY other way). It makes you a vessel that God can use to reveal his life to others (2 Cor. 1.3-11). You—YOU—are that person. I mean, LOOK at you. Through all this CRAP, you have hung on and hung on and sought and cried and struggled and prayed and sought and thought and read, and you're STILL HERE! I tell you, God is doing mighty things in you, and in THAT you can rejoice. I'm sure you're thinking, "I don't feel any 'mighty,' and I'd rather have a little break from 'mighty' if you don't mind." I know. I really know. Hang on, girl. You are becoming SO valuable to God.

I reread the Oswald chambers quote. I'm worth more now in this condition than when I was doing all that "stuff" for God. Is that what it's saying. Am I actually accomplishing more?

I can hear you learning. You have come a long way since our first conversation. I've been studying 2 Corinthians, and chapters 1 and 4 are so precious to me.

Just a few comments: it's OK to be angry at God. Reading Psalms show that God is not hurt or intimidated by our pain and angry.

The emptiness of life: ah, yes. You can now see life for what it really is. And you are also learning to have eyes for God—all part of the necessary journey into his being. Your faith is growing deeper, despite yourself. You can already see that your faith runs in an underground river far deep than that of your "just have faith" friends. It's a tough draw: would I rather not have gone through this and be shallow, or to have gone through the hell and be deep? Such a difficult question. But it's not a choice; we have to play the hand we were dealt. You're right: God builds the faith in you, and you are learning how hard the way is to get there. You are also right: the trial builds your faith—adds to it. You have come SO far. Keep digging, screaming, reading, praying, crying — you are GETTING there, along the most difficult path of life. God is BUILDING in you. There's joy there: not in our circumstances, but in that God is BUILDING in me. There's the point of joy, and maybe your shallow friend knows nothing of it (not judging him/her. It's just that I understand what's happening here.)

it's OK that you're still struggling. I can tell God is walking with you in the shadows. You can't see him there, but I can. Your faith is being tried by fire and is being purified. The fire hurts, but the result will be gold. Keep struggling. You ARE moving forward.

I am still struggling with my condition both physically and emotionally and spiritually. Am I being transformed or getting closer to God? I don't know. I don't feel it. I'm just kind of resigned that this is my life. I just wish my name-it-and-claim-it friends could accept it. Of course I still want to get better. I still mourn over the years "lost"—of time that seems so wasted—things I could have been accomplishing—activities I could have been doing with the kids (you know, memorable moments that the kids are suppose to look back on in life with fondness). I hate the emptiness of my life. The inability to have a "project" or "ministry" or purpose. But at the same time I realize that I am seeing all this thru my eyes. God sees the bigger picture and I must trust him with it. The pain has been managed better now. At least I'm not writhing in pain. I'm able to function at a slow pace but if I push it I pay for it with extreme head aches.

The passage you sent on FAITH is so interesting to me right now as I have a friend that is trying to persuade me to "just have faith and you will be healed. God doesn't want you in this condition." I wouldn't be able to convince her that I probably have a lot more faith than she does. And I'm not saying this in a proud way as if I know I have faith. I say this only because my faith has been challenged, run over, pulverized, torn apart to the point that I feel absolutely faithLESS. MY feelings and MY ideas were and are taken out of the equation of whether I have "enough" faith or not. The experience of a trial is what builds our faith. Adds TO our faith. (I know that in my head. It's just hard to believe that all the time.) Her perspective is that her faith is keeping her physically well. I dare her to challenge Joni Earickson Tada (who is now battling cancer on top of her paralysis) with that kind of thinking. It seems to me that God builds the faith in you - it's not something that YOU build up - then it would become a "works" religion, right? Faith is allowing God to work in us—even when everything in our souls is fighting against it. (the mustard seed?)

"Though He slay me...I will trust Him." Though He took away my ability to serve Him...I will keep going. Though it DOESN'T MAKE SENSE I will keep going. And all along the way I am still fighting against it and getting mad at God especially when I see the easiness of other people's lives. As you can see I'm still struggling. I guess that's the "daily picking up my cross." Thanks for thinking of me. I had a rough week and it's nice to receive a realistic message from someone you knows what it's like.