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[Paddling Upstream]

Hello

I have concerns about my lack of faith in prayer. I'd like to start by saying I don't consider myself a Christian. I simply can't buy into the whole 'miracle-working' things (though I do believe that Jesus was a real man who actually existed).

That being said, I am most certainly religious, and, despite my recent frustration and confusion about my own religious views (which I will not go into right now, for fear of getting off-topic), one belief I have consistently held is my perception of God.
The God I believe in is, as I see it, so close to the Christian perception of Him (like two different species in the same genus, you know?) that I decided here was the best place to go to bring up my queries and concerns. I hope you understand.

I've been praying for quite a long time. A good few months, I'd say, if not longer. Every night I'd pray for the next day to be good, and I'd thank God for the day that had just passed being good. And it tended to work. I had pretty consistently good days for about a month, maybe two.
But recently something's been changing. My prayers haven't been working as much, I've been having some pretty bad days, and I've been questioning how much and to what extent I actually believe in God, and it's stressing me out.

For a while, I've chalked this up to a lack of faith and sincerity. I feel like my nightly prayers had become more like a routine, like something I had to do to make sure the next day went well, and I felt like I no longer meant what I said, like it was no longer coming from the heart, and this has really been bothering me. I read somewhere that for a prayer to work, you have to harbour complete and utter trust in God, and I have been trying, I really have, but something's holding me back, like something in my head, that I can't put my finger on, is giving me a feeling of negativity and doubt.

I've tried out different styles of praying. I've scrapped my usual routine of crossing myself (I did it before and after prayers, as well as using it as a sign of good luck, of sorts, doing it before I entered a nervous situation, after sending a risky text, you know the sort of thing. I scrapped it because I eventually deemed it disrespectful, due to my own lack of belief that Jesus was the literal Son of God) (I replaced it as a good luck sign with a short uttering of 'Lord have Mercy', which seems to have worked so far), and my prayers have become less formal and a bit more 'chatty', in the hopes that it'll give me more of a feeling of 'closeness' to God, if you know what I mean.

But I'm still worried that my praying's not sincere enough, and I just don't have enough trust. I'm trying, trust me. I've been thinking about what I can do to give more meaning to my prayers, and I've started reciting the Lord's Prayer either once or five times at a time, but even that's starting to feel superficial and not 'coming from the heart'. But I just don't know what I can do.

Does anyone have any advice?

[jimwalton]

I have discovered through the years that God is not Santa Claus, out there to give me what I ask for, nor is God at my beck and call, and if he doesn't answer my prayers then maybe he doesn't exist or maybe doesn't care. I have learned that I go through some seasons where God seems to answer a lot of my prayers, and other seasons where he doesn't. I have learned that my relationship with God is not based on how much he answers my prayers. Nor is my faith contingent on whether I get what I pray for, either. Prayer is conversation with God that's an important part of the relationship (as it is an important part of any relationship). I talk to God, most of the time, not to get stuff out of him, but because I want to talk to him. I love him, and I want a relationship with him. So I talk. Just as I talk to my spouse, I am invited to talk to God about anything. It’s my relationship, not a wish list. He’s not Santa Claus, but my God.

I have learned (at least) three things from the Bible about prayer that I wish to bring out here. First, almost all of what God promises to do for me in the Bible is internal, not circumstantial. According to the Bible, if I’m going to ask anything from God in prayer, more than 90% of the time it's going to pertain to inner qualities: patience, strength, clarity of thought, the power of the Spirit, and the like. This is what the Bible instructs me to ask for. Second, almost all of what God does circumstantially is through other people. If God is going to answer my prayers about something in my circumstances, it will likely happen through rather normal means: the actions or words of a person, something I read, a thought in my head. But how am I supposed to tell what is normal occurrence and what is God’s hand? A Secret Service agent is trained to look for certain things, and when in a crowd, he knows what to look for and how to recognize it. His eyes are different than mine. So also an accountant poring over ledgers, a hunter in the wild, a detective on the scene, a psychologist in a session, or a teacher assessing her pupils. Our training legitimately affects what we see, how we interpret it, and our attitude about it. So also a Christian. Through reading the Bible, and growing in our Christian walk, we are trained to see the hand of God; we understand how he works, what his activity looks like, and how to recognize it. Others will just see normal things, no different than if I were to look over ledger books or go hunting. I won’t see squat. The trained eye will see another world. I have learned to see God's hand in my world, and to recognize answers to prayer.

Third, answers are often not what I had in mind. In the Bible people prayed for stuff, and as you analyze the story and its causes and effects, you see that they got what they prayed for, but not at all what they prayed for. It’s like the poem:

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve,
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked for health, that I might do greater things,
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.
I asked for riches, that I might be happy,
I was given poverty, that I might be wise...
I asked for power, that I might have praise from men,
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.
I asked for all things that I might enjoy life,
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things...
I got nothing I asked for, but everything I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am among all men most richly blessed.

For instance, in the OT, the Assyrian army was threatening Jerusalem. They had already crushed and burned the cities of Judah; now the capital was in the crosshairs. The king and the prophet prayed for Jerusalem to be spared. Over the course of the next period of time, a rat infestation annihilated the Assyrian camp with disease, and they had to withdraw. Well, that’s not quite what the king probably had in mind, but it was an answer to the prayer. Then it tells us that the Assyrian emperor was murdered by his own sons. That was 20 years later, but still considered an answer to the same prayer. Weird, huh? But that’s what I’m talking about. Once you understand how God works, you see things that others think "just happened" and recognize their connection to prayer.

So what is the purpose of prayer? Seeking the pleasure of God's company. I talk to him because I love him. If it's all gimme-gimme-gimme—well, who wants a friend like that? He's not the fairy God-Father. We shut out the noise of the earth to commune with the song of heaven. And life goes on with its blessings and tragedies. My circumstantial life is no different than anyone else's, but my inner life is a treasure trove of immense difference. I have learned to see the hand of God around me, and it often surprises me in all its forms. God is all around me, actively at work. Do I get what I pray for? Only like the poem. Not what I ask for some of the time, but answers none the less. God is taking care of me. Sure, I get stones some days and fish others; some days I'm Job, some I'm on the mountain top. I never hear a voice, and I've learned not to trust the thoughts that come to me in prayer. Some are trustworthy, and some aren't. They need to be assessed because my mind is an unreliable source. I talk to God in prayer; he talks to me through his Word (Now THERE’S a treasure trove).

Prayer is not a hurling of hope or faith into the darkness. No, just a sometimes peaceful and sometimes agitated heart taking time to talk things over with the Lord. Sometimes I try to picture him when I talk. Not the old guy with the geezer beard, but the fathomless I AM beyond space and time. My mind gets lost in the immensity and grandeur, but it helps orient me to whom I'm really speaking. I talk in real words, not grandiose poetic ones.

Don't get me wrong. Prayer is anything but a smooth road. But I'm learning. Just like I'm learning how to be a good husband. I learn as I go. Meanwhile I show my love in every way I can. Good communication is an important part of that picture. Prayer is me sharing my life with God. I hardly ever ask for stuff, but when I do, it doesn't shake my faith if it's not answered. He's God, and I'm not. I'm quite aware of how much stuff I would mess up if God did things my way the way I ask for them (Remember the movie "Bruce Almighty"?)

[Paddling Upstream]

Wow, I was not expecting that xD

Yeah, I have been increasingly worried that my prayers are becoming more like letters to Santa than heartfelt requests, if you know what I mean. I feel like I have a few more ideas as to what I can do to bring me closer to God, so thank you

[jimwalton]

You're very welcome. I used to think that the idea of "praying in faith" was really really really believing that God would do what I was asking. In other words, I thought if I was over-the-top optimistic, then that's what God was asking of me. How naive I was. There was one time when I was determined to "do prayer right," so I spent time (a few weeks?) asking God what I should pray for so that I was only asking for things that he "pre-approved." Through the course of a few weeks I felt confident that the thoughts that came to my head were "of God," so I made a list of those 10 things and prayed for them constantly, diligently, and deeply, "knowing" that I was praying "in God's will." I even made commitments based on the positive answers I knew were coming, as another way of showing my faith (heightened optimism and trust). I prayed for MONTHS. Not a single one of the 10 things came about. I was devastated, and I went through a very difficult period in my Christianity. In the course of time I came to realize the problem was with me. (1) I was treating prayer like a wish list, (2) I was trusting the thoughts that came to my head as if that was some guarantee God had sent them, and (3) I was basing my whole relationship with God on the answers to prayer. All three were misguided, naive, and immature. Praying in faith (Matt. 21.21-22) is not like being optimistic. "Faith" means different things in different places in the Bible. "Faith" in Mt. 21 is more like a settled relationship with Christ rather than a hopeful optimism. It's having our heads in a completely different place, a different plane. It's also a call to an undivided heart about our relationship with God (look also at Deuteronomy 6.4 and Mark 12.30).

[Paddling Upstream]

Thank you. On a literal, more practical level, how should I go about praying? We can talk all day about how I need a true relationship with God, and we can speak in spiritual terms, but I'm the sort of guy who really just needs some (for lack of a better term) real-life advice.
Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly grateful, but sometimes I just need this stuff spelled out for me

[jimwalton]

When I really study what the Bible says about prayer, most of the time it is talking about internal things, not external circumstances (like Ephesians 3.14-19, as an awesome example). While the Bible invites me not be anxious about anything, but to pray without ceasing about everything, it helps us to be thinking correctly when we see that in the Bible prayer is so deeply about the soul and our relationship with God far more than it is about asking for things (Psalm 66.18-19).

A lot of times in prayer I talk about my day with God, and tell him what I'm feeling, what I'm struggling with, what I'm thankful for, and what else is on my mind.

Here's more of what I do. As you are waking up in the morning, start to talk to God before you even get out of bed, in the quietness of your mind and the room. While you are washing up, brushing your teeth, or taking a shower, instead of letting your mind be idle, fill your mind with Scriptures, thoughts of God, and talk to him. As you go through your day, there are plenty of times when your mind is not occupied with other concerns, and you can meditate on Scriptures and talk to God: driving your car, walking to work, standing in the elevator or walking up stairs. You can fill your mind with God and talk to Him while you are mowing the lawn, raking leaves, emptying the dishwasher, or cleaning the garage. Let the words of praise songs or hymns flow through and bathe your mind and soul. Invest in the lyrics of those songs, probing both the emotions and the theology there. All day long, whenever opportunity presents, let God be in your thoughts. (A good book to read is Practicing the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence.) At night when you fall to sleep, pray while you drift off, or recite a Bible verse. If you happen to waken in the middle of the night, use that as a time for prayer until you fall back to sleep. And when you wake up in the morning, praise God, it’s another day to live for him. There’s an old hymn that goes, “May the mind of Christ, my Savior, live in me from day to day.”

This is called “abiding,” and we can read about it in John 15. We are organically connected to Christ, our source of life and sustenance. Most of these prayers are not asking for things, but just the joy of connectedness. It is “praying without ceasing”—a life of prayer, rather than just a time of focused prayer (though that is still valuable). Throughout the day I find that I pray prayers more of soul than of circumstance, more of relationship than of request:

God, make your heart my heart, your eyes my eyes, your words my words, your ears my ears, your hands my hands, your feet my feet, your thoughts my thoughts, your ways my ways.

Teach me your ways, O Lord, that I may walk in them.

One thing I desire, O God, and one thing I seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to see your face, and to seek you in your house.

As the deer pants for the water, so my soul longs after you.

Your strength is made perfect in my weakness.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

Sometimes when I pray I rehearse the different names of God, what they mean and what they teach me. Sometimes I go through all the chapters in a book of the Bible—what they’re about, what they teach me, and verses to memorize. At other times I recite a verse of the Bible and emphasize separate words and ponder the new meanings such an emphasis yields:

**I** can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I **can do** all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can do **all things** through Christ who strengthens me.
I can do all things **through Christ** who strengthens me.
I can do all things through Christ **who strengthens** me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens **me**.

Prayer is the connecting of hearts. It’s not just asking for things, but is, in the pleasure of God’s company, developing my soul and transforming my mine. I talk to God because I love him. I don’t approach God as if He’s the fairy God-Father. We don’t just go to God to get something. God is not here to serve us; we are here to serve Him. In prayer we shut out the noise of the earth to commune with the song of heaven. And life goes on with its blessings and tragedies. My circumstantial life may seem no different than anyone else’s, but my inner life is a treasure trove of immense difference. I have learned to see the hand of God around me, and it often surprises me in all its forms. God is all around me, actively at work. Do I get what I pray for? Usually only like the poem—not what I ask for, but answers nonetheless, and exactly what I was praying about. I have to be alert enough to see that God is taking care of me. Sure, I get stones some days and fish others; some days I’m Job, and some I’m on the Mount of Transfiguration. I never hear a voice, as I’ve heard that some people do, and I’ve learned not to trust the thoughts that come to me in prayer. Some are trustworthy, and some aren’t. Those thoughts need to be assessed because the thoughts that come to my mind during prayer are too often my own thoughts rather than God’s. I have learned that God talks to me primarily through His Word, and that’s where I find reliable revelation.

One of the most profound things I notice is that prayer is almost more heart-spoken than lip-spoken. I find that as I seek God with all my heart, soul, and mind, and when I am just living by the Spirit of God, God takes care of me in ways that I wasn’t even praying about, and I can see his hand at work around me when I wasn’t even astute enough to ask about those things. In other words, when I seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, all these things are added unto me. God acts proactively with me rather than reactively. His answers deal with the desires of my heart even though they never crossed my lips. Romans 8.26 teaches me that the Spirit himself intercedes with the prayers that should be prayed. God is not the “judge” who grudgingly gives what I choose to nag him for, but the Father who sees my heart and graciously gives me what it is he wills me to have. Deep and meaningful prayer is more based in the relationship than on the requests.