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[Useful]

How does Christianity envision love towards someone who is hurting you?

I know Christianity talks about loving your enemies and turning the other cheek. But what does that really mean?

My own insights seem to show that refusing to love due to being hurt tends to harm me. But I don't really know what love is supposed to be like when someone is hurting me with apparent disregard for my well-being. I don't suppose that simply giving them what they want and letting them continue hurting me the same way is necessarily very loving.

I would like to understand what is a more loving way to approach such a situation, and think maybe Christianity has some wisdom in this area. Also, one thing which keeps me away from Christianity is the sense that according to it you're basically supposed to ignore abuse which is directed at you. Maybe if I understood better I would be less avoidant towards Christianity.

[jimwalton]

Unfortunately, there will always be people who hurt us. It's the nature of dynamic relationships. Even our friends and loved ones at times hurt us. G.K. Chesterton said (tongue-in-cheek): "The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people."

I define biblical love as making a willful choice to selflessly and sacrificially serve others for their benefit. It's not a feeling or an emotion (though it's extra good when feelings and emotions accompany it). It's how we can love our enemies, because we can still treat them selflessly and sacrificially for their benefit. It's how I can love people I barely know, or people with desperate needs, a person with no resources or someone who doesn't deserve it.

How do we love our enemies?

• We don't try to get revenge
• We don't pick a fight
• We act with grace towards them (kindness)
• We can even serve them (provide food, water, whatever)

It doesn't mean we treat them exactly as we do our friends. Doing such may actually perpetrate their evil or wrongdoing. Sometimes we need to protect ourselves from such people, avoid them, or even submit them to consequences (which is actually an act of tough love) for their wrong behavior.

> But I don't really know what love is supposed to be like when someone is hurting me with apparent disregard for my well-being.

Sometimes the wisest course it to create distance. Sometimes it's confrontation. Sometimes we need to recruit help from others (either friends or authorities). We need wisdom and discernment to know which of those to do. The Bible doesn't say we should be doormats to let people walk all over us, though.

But in the course of whatever we decide, we can always treat the person with dignity and grace rather than vilifying or demonizing them in our minds or to others.

> I don't suppose that simply giving them what they want and letting them continue hurting me the same way is necessarily very loving.

Correct. There's nothing loving about that kind of passive submission and subjecting ourselves to hurt.

> Also, one thing which keeps me away from Christianity is the sense that according to it you're basically supposed to ignore abuse which is directed at you

This isn't accurate. When Jesus says "turn the other cheek," he is not saying we're supposed to ignore abuse. What it means is that we are not to take revenge for personal insult.

There is still a place for resistance, self-defense, protection, the law, police, and courts. Jesus is certainly not saying that Christians should never defend themselves or ignore abuse. In Christian teaching, injustices should be met with firm and challenging responses, but insults shouldn't be blown out of proportion with personal vendettas. Insult and offense should be let go; injustices and abuse should be treated with appropriate legal and judicial response. The bully should be resisted; the criminal should be stopped; but the backhanded slap should be brushed aside. It's OK to respond with justice, but not with malice. Justice and love, side by side.

[Useful]

Thank you! It still seems complicated, but it makes Christianity seem much more reasonable than my previous ideas about this subject in Christianity.