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[Wavy Frizz]

How do you remove desire for sex out of the marriage equation? I'm a athiest with more liberial sexual values than the traditional "no sex towards marriage," although I was raised this way. I have started to date a Christian who holds (somewhat conflicting) views of wanting to wait, and is struggling to control his sexual desires as we delve into stages of infatuation.

We already dream of marriage, but have concerns about it not wanting to be just about sex.

The little we have done, he had strong gulity reaction too. I'm just wondering any thoughts or resources on how to navigate this.

[jimwalton]

Since you're asking a Christian, you're going to get a Christian answer, and what the Bible teaches. The Bible teaches that the way to navigate this drive is to wait until marriage to have sex. 1 Thessalonians 4.3-8: "It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit."

There are several ways to try to control the desires for physical sexual intimacy:

1. Make firm commitments to each other to preserve purity until the commitment is sealed in marriage.

2. Avoid tempting situations (being alone in places where sex would be easy, going to places specifically to hook up, etc.)

3. Determine to develop the other aspects of your relationship to fill in the gaps, so to speak: conversation, intellectual dialogue, honesty about feelings, do things together like movies or museums (or whatever suits your fancy).

There's no doubt that the sex drive is strong and keeping pure is a challenge, just normally, but especially in our era where sex before marriage is expected and to deny it is thought to be weird. It's very possible to abstain, however. It just takes a commitment to that from both of you.

[Wavy Frizz]

Thanks for the pointers.

We have established some clear boundaries just recently. No touching of gential or breasts, even like through shirt groping as its too tempting. No nudes, although were going to allow teasing with words and see how it goes. Where also using "would you do it front of your mother" as a litmus test.

But we want to spend time alone , as much as we can. But i guess if i combine this with 3, and try to make all alone time activity based.
We just want to elope straight away, patience would be better.

[jimwalton]

It sounds like you're thinking well. It's a far better idea to develop your relationship as people than just (or primarily) sexually. The meeting of the minds is better preparation for marriage than the meeting of the...