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Hey, You seem like you are very knowledgeable about the Bible regarding divorce and remarriage. I have a few questions regarding a situation personal to me if you have the time to discuss?

Thank you!

[jimwalton]

Sure, let's talk. What's up?

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I have met a beautiful amazing woman and I want to marry her and start a family with her. She is a Christian, and we make a great team. However, there are some hesitations on my part. 1. She had sex when she was younger to an unbeliever and she didn't marry him. She left him . 2. She been married previously and is now divorced. 3. During her separation period she had a physical relationship with someone not her husband. This was after he already filed for divorce. So she technically committed adultery as well. As for 1. The Bible in Dueteronomy states in chapter 22 that if a man lays hold of a virgin and sleeps with her, he is to pay the bride price, marry her and never be able to divorce her. (the Exodus version doesn't say he can never divorce her) Would this apply to the first person someone has sex with? Would my girlfriend still be bound to this first boyfriend of hers years ago that ended up stealing her vehicle and going to jail! She said he was not a believer. She eventually left him due to realizing the relationship was unhealthy for her. Reference Gordon Hugenbergers view on sex and marriage. Sex= marriage basically. For 2. She married an atheist (yes I know poor decision making) years after. She was not a strong believer at the time. Lost her way. He decided after a year that he preferred another woman. He had an affair and decided to divorce my girlfriend. She didn’t want the divorce but she realized he was done and there was no changing his mind. She peacefully gave him what he wanted. He told her that he would “never stop seeing this new girl and he wanted to see where things went with her”. I know she didn’t FILE for the divorce and she was divorced against her will. Is she free to be married to me? And finally 3. During her separation time, she was not yet legally divorced and she had slept with a man in a moment of weakness and pain. She didnt know this was sinful and illegal until she met me and I pointed it out to her. She regrets it and has asked for forgiveness for it. She technically committed adultery as well since she was not legally divorced (According to Texas law). Is she still able to be married to me? Should she marry the fellow she slept with according to Exodus? Her and that guy seemed to mutually part ways and he is with another woman now. I am not sure if he was a believer or not. Is she able to marry anyone at all now? Or can she be forgiven of all this mess in her past and move forward with me in a marriage. If she is free to be married to me, Ill certainly take her! I cant speak for the other gentlemen in her past but I certainly want her! I just want to do the right thing. These events happened before I came into her life. I want to marry this woman and I want our marriage to be blessed by God. I know this is a super long email but I pray you respond and help give me some clarity! I have lost sleep over this and have horrible anxiety over it :/

[jimwalton]

Wow, that's quite a "case study"! This woman you're interested in has been through the wringer, and even caused some of it. Obviously, despite that she has a history of weakness, immorality, and poor choices, you want her. Just so you know what you're signing up for.

You don't want my assessment, though. You want to know what the Bible would say about marrying her. Let me try to help.

I'll lead off with saying that the teachings of the Bible about divorce apply to God's people. There is no notion in the Bible that God was giving rules for all humanity. In the OT, He was talking to His covenant people when He talked about divorce (Dt. 24.1-4). In the NT, when Jesus talked about divorce, He referenced the OT ("You have heard it said..."). When Paul talked about divorce, he was talking to the Church about how Christians should behave. So the fact that she was doing this occasional sleeping around, and married and divorced—...

Question: You say she's a Christian (your second sentence). How long has she been a Christian? If I'm reading right...

• She was a Christian and when she was younger had sex with an unbeliever (disobeying the Scriptures) and left him.
• She was a Christian and married someone (you didn't say whether he was a believer or not) and got divorced. (listed in your hesitation #2)
• She committed adultery during her divorce proceedings.
• She married an atheist (disobeying the Scriptures). So is the first husband or a second one?
• She committed adultery again during divorce proceedings (or is this a review of the same story?)

It may not be my place to ask, but part of being a Christian is living the life of a Christian (Matt. 7.16): People are only Christians, not because they say they believe in God, but when they live like Christ (Jn. 14.15). Are you sure your girl is a Christian? I'm sure she says she is, but...

I'm not in agreement with the idea that sex = marriage. What about rape or sexual exploitation of any kind? The Bible us no reason to assert that sex = marriage. The Deuteronomy 22 text you mentioned has to do with protecting the woman financially and her reputation in the community. It's not a statement about sex = marriage, but we can talk more about this if you wish.

My study of Scripture, since this is what you want to know, shows that divorce can be considered legitimate if the offending person has violated the marriage vows. These are grounds for divorce. The Jews had a specific set of understandings behind marriages, and the Bible goes along those lines. Married people owed each other faithfulness in love, and material support (food, clothing, shelter). Divorce was legitimate for adultery, failure to provide, physical and emotional neglect, abandonment, and abuse.

We have similar understandings in our culture: divorce is legitimate in cases of sexual unfaithfulness, failure to provide materially, physical and emotional neglect, abandonment, and abuse.

Marriage was always intended to a permanent bond, but God allows divorce because people are so screwed up (Mt. 19.8). Divorce is never to be casual, easy, cavalier, quick, or thoughtless.

Those are some initial thoughts. Only you two know the details of her previous marriages and her sexual adventures. Only she knows the real status of her heart before God. Only you two know why she really got divorced (was it once, or twice?).

The Bible assumes marriage after divorce. We can go deeper into those texts if you want. But God doesn't want us changing partners like we change clothes. It's disrespectful and abusive to people, and it doesn't mirror God's faithfulness. He doesn't want us hooking up in times of weakness, trading partners on the fly, or moving in and out of marriages. He wants sexual faithfulness and committed love.

> Should she marry the fellow she slept with according to Exodus?

Absolutely not. That's not what Exodus is teaching. That's just adding one disaster to another.

> Is she still able to be married to me?

You've started the conversation (thank you), and I've started a reply. But there's still more to talk about. I need you to respond to some of the things I've said.

> I am not sure if he was a believer or not.

I'm not sure she is either, but that's for you to talk to me about.

> I just want to do the right thing.

This is great news. It's the foundation of a good person.

> I want our marriage to be blessed by God

The best way to ensure that is for both of you to have excellent relationships with God. We can talk about that also.

> help give me some clarity

Let's talk more. I'll assume you're not getting married tonight. Let's take some time to talk it through so that you're on solid ground.

> I have lost sleep over this and have horrible anxiety over it :/

Get a good night's sleep. Breathe. Let's talk.

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Thanks for the quick reply.

She has only been married once and it was to the unbeliever who left her for another woman. Once he forced her to move back in with her parents, she met a guy who she messed up by sleeping with before her divorce was legally finalized.

I know she's a believer bc I know the girl she used to be before she went to college and I know her heart now. I can sense that shes a good girl. You can be a believer and be very carnal or immature. Just look at the Corinthians!

She has admitted that me being her life has helped her become more connected to God and she has been baptized but she would like to do it again.

The question would be "can" I marry this woman without either of us living in sin?

The question of whether I "should" marry her is totally different and warranty further investigation.

[jimwalton]

> She has only been married once and it was to the unbeliever who left her for another woman.

If this is the situation of divorce, that frees her up, biblically, to remarry (1 Cor. 7.12-15). From that angle, you "can" marry her without feeling like you're living in sin.

> she met a guy who she messed up by sleeping with before her divorce was legally finalized.

So she made a mistake. Mistakes can be truly forgiven with sincere repentance (1 Jn. 1.9).

> I know she's a believer bc I know the girl she used to be before she went to college and I know her heart now. I can sense that shes a good girl. You can be a believer and be very carnal or immature. Just look at the Corinthians!
> She has admitted that me being her life has helped her become more connected to God and she has been baptized but she would like to do it again.

That's good to hear. Yes, you can be a Christian and be very carnal or immature. I hope she has a heart to not remain in that condition but instead to grow in the Lord and leave that kind of thinking and life behind.

> The question would be "can" I marry this woman without either of us living in sin?

From what you have described to me, yes. Christianity has not made marriage a state of slavery to believers. If the unbelieving partner left (especially to sleep with another woman), the Christian who was deserted is free to remarry. Willful desertion is a legitimate ground for divorce, and remarriage is allowed in the case of desertion or abandonment.

> The question of whether I "should" marry her is totally different and warranty further investigation.

Correct. And this should weigh heavily on your heart. About this you need to seek the Lord for great wisdom, though obviously in your heart you really want her—which is a good thing! Love is a powerful bond, but it can also be a great deceiver. We sometimes follow our guts (what love tells us to do) instead of our heads, our consciences, wisdom, and the ways of the Lord. I'll keep you in my prayers.

If there's more about this, or about anything else, you want to discuss, feel free.

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Thank you for your thorough response and wisdom!