Board index ‹ The Problem of Evil and Suffering

[MolyRoly]

At the beginning it was my body I wanted healed. That is what caused the disappointment. But as time went on it was the fact that I could not "feel" God's presence, His comfort, His direction. I felt so lost and alone. Can I not expect that from God? That is what I am trying to sort out now. I am also trying to figure out the people in my life that have expectations for my life and have scolded me for having a "defeated" attitude when in fact I am trying to accept this problem in my life. I see it as being strong in character—they see it as being weak and giving up. I am going to a counselor who thankfully sees it the way I do—the "reality" of life is what I am living and my friends are living in denial. They can't believe that God would allow a mother of four to be like this and possibly die from a desease. It's just incomprehensable to them. As I lay in the hospital bed on a morphine drip I was explaining to a friend how bad I felt and that I felt like I was dying.. She refused to hear of it. I needed for someone to hear my words so they could comfort me and pray with me and help (me and my family just in case I did die). But instead she argued - ARGUED with me as I lay there in pain about how this is not God's will for my life. I was trying to ACCEPT my lot. Trying to "surrender all". But I was cut down and made to feel like a failure of a Christian because I'm not "believing" and putting my faith in God.

So, I think my expectations of God have changed along the way—first physical healing, then that God would be a comfort, then thinking my friends would be there. Now I am trying to get my faith back. I don't know how to do it. I figure if I start by saying God's name periodically througout the day and just calling to Him that's a start. Being thankful would be another good thing.

(The one physical thing that I really struggle with though is when I am having that "exposed nerve pain" feeling in my head. The pain is so tortuous and unbearable. I really DO expect God to come and deliver me. How do I get thru those times? When I'm wailing in my yard and don't care what neighbors hear me and in front of my kids. When I'm rolling on the floor and pounding the walls. That's how bad it is. Can I expect anything from God? I sure haven't felt His comfort).

Thank you for sharing your story and pain in your family. I'm sorry that as a father you must not only feel and share the pain with your children but feel helpless to fix it or change it. Thank you for encouraging me and teaching me. I want so desperately to be victorious. But just the "wanting" is so tiring. Just having a desire to live is exhausting. Seeking God is exhausting. Thank you for your words.

[jimwalton]

Finally, someone with their head on straight. May God bless you.

I never feel God's presence, though I pray for it every day. "God, I need you...God, please reveal yourself to me..." I have written many times in my journal, "I feel so empty and alone." I know the Christian cliche is to feel filled with God, and to feel joy and peace and comfort. I know none of that. I just feel empty and alone. Obviously I don't go around broadcasting that at the church; I keep it discretely to myself. Can you imagine your pastor telling you how he feels so empty and does not know God's presence? Ha! There's a pink slip, to be sure.

But that's the way I feel. Just like you. For years I wallowed in a dark depression, desperately seeking God and coming up empty-handed. I shared it only with a few people, and thankfully they didn't pour out cheap Christian cliches on me, but on the other hand they didn't know what to say and couldn't help me.

Lack of faith? People should not insult us so. As I said before, the one who can't see but believes has more faith to hang in there than the one who sees and believes. Remember when I told you that? I have gone through cycles where I was confident and full of faith, approaching "the throne of grace" with power and faith, only to be dashed on the rocks of disappointment over and over. I have prayed to God in bitter agony, acknowledging my struggle to believe when all I see it empty darkness, and begging him to give me faith. Again, dare I say it, crushed and left empty. And still I hang on—that's anything but a lack of faith.

So here is where I say things to help you: The darkness has passed me. I don't walk there any more. It doesn't last forever, praise God. But I still have no sense of His Presence, and don't particularly feel any comfort, peace, or joy. Again and again, I have to keep reminding myself of what I know, and what really counts. I know God exists, I know he is real, I know Jesus rose from the dead, and that makes it all true. I have come to the place where I accept that I have no sense of his presence. If that's not a gift he chooses to give me, that's his prerogative. So also with joy and peace. I would love to have them, but I don't. But in any case, that's not what gives life meaning. It's not up to the pot to rebuke the potter and accuse him, "Why have you made me like this?" It's not my place to be envious of others and their eyesight to see God, ears to hear his voice, and peace of body, soul, and spirit. I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death and come up on the other side of the wall. I have such a solid confidence that Jesus rose from the dead and that makes it all true, that nothing else matters. I have come to the place where everything has been taken away from me, and I KNOW only one thing counts (Lk. 10.42), and I have chosen that one thing. Only in that sense do I have peace and comfort, and it’s very real, but not at all (1) what I was expecting (2) what other people talk about, or (3) what I was really hoping for. But you know what? It doesn't matter. Nothing matters any more except God's kingdom and God's will. So the peace I have is not a peace I feel, but one that I know very deeply. So also comfort. Ironically, it doesn't take away my feeling of emptiness. I think my feelings are shallower and more immediate, but the other is deeper, like the depths of the ocean beyond investigation and agitation. A sense of God's presence? No, but a knowledge that runs deep deep in the soul that may be a better situation. Maybe I do have peace. I just didn't recognize it because it's not what other people talk about and not what I was expecting it to look like. Hmmm...

You know what? Writing these things to you is helpful to me. It helps me think them through, and express them, and acknowledge them in myself. Thank you for doing that for me.

2 Corinthians 1.3-7: Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

I'm still trying to make total sense out of this, but I mostly get it.

Is it wrong for you to want to die? Read Philippians 1.19-26. Paul wanted to die (23) , but he was able to see around that so that it didn't matter to him whether he lived or died. All that matters is God's kingdom and God's will.

As far as your friend saying they can't believe God would allow a mother of 4 to be like this and possibly die from a disease? Oh my, I've seen it far too many painful times. People aren't reading their Bibles carefully or looking around them at the realities of life! Maybe it's judgmental, but too many Christians seem to think that the best approach is to try to shut out the real world with false expectations, cliche understandings, and shallow interpretations of Scripture. I happen to think it makes non-believers think we're wackos, the way Christians talk about things. It not only embarrasses me, but makes me shudder.

That doesn't mean I'm the know-all. It's just the best I've got from the road I've had to walk.

[MolyRoly]

This "illness" has given me a whole new perspective—knowing that I can come through this and have "victory" without the FEELING of joy or contentment or peace. That gives me SOME comfort. That is a victory in itself. Thanks for letting me know that that is OK—that I can live victoriously without the satisfaction of that victory. This past week has been better as far as the pain goes. But I know I won't be able to stay at this level of morphine. It will eventually have to be raised and then I will have to deal with the side affects. But in the mean time I'm trying to figure out how to get back to God and trust Him again. I don't even know where to start. I don't even have a desire to reach out to Him because when I've reached before there was nothing in return. I don't want to try. I don't want to put forth the effort. I feel so empty and unable to think. (I think part of it is the drugs). I feel so wounded and betrayed by my friends and God. I desperately want my dignity restored. Maybe that's a prideful thing to want. I want to be strong again - if not physically then spiritually or emotionally.

Thank you for your perspective on this life of pain and disappointment. It is very helpful and dare I say "comforting."

Still hanging in there

[jimwalton]

That's right! You're really catching on, and my point is there can be some real contentment or peace knowing that you're really catching on, not because you "feel" contentment or peace. It's the "I get it," and so you stop this wrestling match in your soul.

Here's something to think about (as if I've never done THAT to you before): Just suppose when you chose to trust God you would get NOTHING out of it: no answers to prayer, no comfort, no peace, no joy, no inspiration, no guidance—NOTHING. (And I AM speaking hypothetically). Just suppose you got NOTHING. Would you put your faith in him? Absolutely you would. Why? Because it's TRUE. You KNOW it's true. Jesus rose from the dead. Even if there's NOTHING else, that one fact alone is all I need to continue on. Jesus rose; He is God; what he said is true; there is a heaven and a hell; there is an eternal existence. So here's the choice (just supposing—I'm setting you up, you know): Suppose you could have God, but nothing else, or you could have peace and joy and stuff, but no substance behind it. They're just a feeling with no reality to back them up. Duh, I'd choose God every time. Because it's RIGHT, because it's TRUE, because it's the only reality.

OK, now that I said that, we all know that it's just not so that we get NOTHING from God. Maybe the peace isn't what I expected, but think of what we DID get from God: first, his word to teach us things that really do help, after all. OK, I could even stop there, because that's a treasure trove all by itself.

Now let's move on to desire #2: "I'm trying to figure out how to get back to God and trust Him again. I don't even know where to start." Start with Psalm 23. Recite it day and night. Chew on every word of it. Go one word at a time if you have to. Let it bathe you. After a week of that, go to 2 Corinthians 12.9-10. Memorize it. Meditate on it, just like Psalm 23. That's where you start. You don't have to "think". This is not study, but meditation. Let go of your expectations, and stop your wrestling. Just breathe God himself, not what you want him to do for you.