Board index ‹ The Problem of Evil and Suffering

[MolyRoly]

I'm in a lot of pain. All the things that I say in a "strong" moment just go out the window when I'm in pain. All the wonderful things that I thought I've learned on this journey are not there to help me. My God is not there to pick me up. I'm alone and hurting. What a stupid life. Yeah, I know I'm just circling back around. Repeating the same stupid arguments to God and the people around me. I guess this will never end. I'm so very, very sad. So sad that I can't be victorious, that I'm such a loser. That I can't BUILD on what God has shown me and become stronger. Struggling whether to go to doctors. They just make me feel like a loser. They can't find the answer so I'M the one that loses. The burden falls on me. They throw the ball back in my court. They won't help me and my God won't help me. My friends can't help me because they just don't understand. So what am I? A weeping worthless body. I have no strength to fight. All those songs and hymns that say God gives you peace and joy, strength, etc. Are they all lying? Did they just make that all up? Does God only give strength to some and direction to some. I mean, yeah, I've felt victorious in the past. But what about now? Did I do something drastically wrong? Have the rules changed? Will God give me something so hard that it will completely destroy my faith? I know what you're saying—He wants me completely emptied, blah, blah, blah. I just want to raise my family and be a WIFE to my husband. Sounds like I've backslidden here, huh? I'm not willing to let God use me—but only because the pain takes over and controls me. I CAN'T HELP IT! Just when I think I can handle this pain, it just overwhelms me. Those songs about God giving us the strength, just give it to God and He will help you thru. What does that look like? When I'm rolling around on the floor—is that God taking over and helping me?

I know we've hashed over this so many times. I'm repeating my self. I'm complaining again. I'm full of distress in my heart. I can't shake it. I can't overcome (like the songs say). I know, I know I'm not supposed to listen to man's songs—I'm suppose to listen to God's word. But the Bible says much of the same thing.

Jim, I have given him my heart, my desires, my life (doesn't sound like it, does it?) What more can I do? I know—sit back and wait. Let God do His work. But in the meantime I feel Like my faith is being destroyed one painful moment at a time. And the pain just is front and center. I can't get around it to get to God. It's in the way.

I am so worn out. So very weary. Forgive me for coming down on you. I know that you will listen.

[jimwalton]

There’s nothing wrong with weakness. None of us is strong all the time. When life gets ruined, and our expectations are trashed, and we feel the pain of worthlessness, and God seems so absent and so uncaring, it’s simply overwhelming. It’s like a flood of awfulness just pours over our heads, over our lives, our dreams, and our sanity, and there’s nothing left in us except to cry out, “I hate everything about this.” Psalm 22 is not just a poem, nor is it just prophecy. David was wrenching and aching, feeling all the despair that we do. Look what he writes: I am completely forsaken (1). Oh, sure, others got delivered, but not me (4-6). I’m just alone in my troubles. All alone (10). My life is an empty wasteland (14-15). I need help so badly (19). I am not finding any rest (2).

Some days are just like this. The songs of joy, strength, and peace seem to mock us, and they make us feel even worse. Life wasn’t supposed to be like this—not in anybody’s dream. Life would be bad enough, but when others have it good, and the Scriptures talk to us about blessings, it’s like rubbing salt in the wound. Where is God at times like this?

I know. It’s so awful. So tiresome. So hurtful. God is on the throne, but you can’t tell. All you see and know is pain today. It’s actually beyond pain: it’s dark agony. Satan wishes to sift you like wheat. Look at that text in Luke 22.31. Notice that Jesus doesn’t turn and say to Simon, “I’m not going to let this happen.” He doesn’t say, “I’ll protect you,” or “I’ll deliver you.” He let Satan hit Simon like a load of bricks falling from a great height. It’s a real Job moment. Satan’s intent is malicious. Jesus says, "I'll pray for you, that your faith may not fail."

I know your agony is real. Your tears are bitter. As Jesus said in Lk. 22.32, I will pray for you, that your faith will not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen others.