I’m SO glad you’ve written to me. You’ve been so honest and vulnerable in sharing your heart. I believe I have things to share that will be of help to you. Feel free to keep writing as we walk through this together, OK?
First, your letter makes my heart ache. You’ve had to live through so much pain. We keep thinking, “Well, things will straighten out now,” but then when they don’t, it almost just makes it worse. After cancer, you think, “Well now I can find a good man and we can be happy.” Not only do you find a man who turns on you, but the church hides and protects him. Unbelievable! What a horror. But you finally find another man, a good one this time, but with an ex-wife that seems to thrive on verbal abuse and disturbing the peace. Sheesh. But, I’m sure you keep telling yourself, “this, too, shall pass,” and we can be happy. Then you think, “Maybe now I can start a family.” Y’know, such things should be simple and straightforward, right? My heart aches for you. You’re such a wonderful person. All you can think is, “This isn’t fair.” “Where’s God when I need Him?” "Why does my life have to be so hard when everyone else is just coasting through with a smile on their faces?” Envy wells up inside of us. I know; I’ve been there.
Second, I feel it would help if I share part of my story to let you know I feel your pain. (I’ll keep it brief, skipping many parts, because this is about you, not about me.) I had a good life, nice family, nice house, good job, much like your upbringing. About 15 years ago, it all collapsed in on itself. There was an element in my life that was too strong a negative for me, and I started falling into a depression. I reached out to God with a fervor, and that’s when I really fell deep into a black hole. God was just not there—gone with the wind. My depression deepened. With the energy of a madman I pursued God, knowing He was my only hope. I read the Bible like an addict; I prayed for hours a day (literally). I read books, took notes on sermons, talked to people—my life got worse. The more I sought God, the darker life got. I was in a deep hole and didn’t know how to get out. (This had lasted several years.) Eventually I was suicidal, and one night in particular had very serious intentions to kill myself. I could write a book about this time of my life. It was horrific. But enough about me. I just wanted you to know I feel your pain—and I’m still here.
Let me share with you a few things that I learned, and then we can continue this conversation to answer further questions you have, for me to explain some things further, or just to talk more.
I found that I can’t live without the Bible. Through those years of doubt, questioning, inner suffering, depression, and emotional horror, the Bible is what held me together and kept me alive. What I did was take a text and meditate on that for days or even weeks. During the day, through the night, in the shower, while I drove. Texts like Ps. 23; 2 Cor. 12.1-10; stories of Jesus; Ps. 40, and so many other. By “meditate” I mean that I would say them over and over in my head and think about “What does that mean? What is it saying?” And then “What does that have to do with me? What does that have to do with my life?” I journaled my thoughts. I found that God never stopped speaking to me. This was far more powerful than my prayer life. This will sound heretical, but God never seemed to respond much to my prayers, but he spoke to me profoundly through the Bible. I started using prayer not to ask for stuff but instead just to talk to God. And He would talk to me through His Word. That way God would control the conversation. I was so caught in my problems and my issues and my desires and my needs and hurts that’s all I focused on. Through the Bible, God could say to me whatever HE wanted to say, and it was a much better way to go. I found out that if I made it about God, and not about me, God helped me.
I turned my prayers into times of meditation on Scripture, not in asking for stuff. I would recite a verse or phrase in my prayer, over and over, and let God bathe my mind and soul with the truth and bring thoughts to my mind about what the verse said. Then I would journal those thoughts. I made my prayer life about finding God, not about helping me. I had to work my way up, starting with prayers about 3 minutes long until I could pray for a LONG time. I would meditate on verses or passages, then sit quietly and seek God in my heart and soul. Often there was just silence (as far as my needs and the things I really wanted to know), but thoughts would come to my mind about the verse. In the course of all that, God was addressing my hurts and needs, all indirectly and very slowly, but He was helping and healing me. Now this was HIS agenda, not mine—a much better way to go. My frustration with God not answering my prayers subsided because I wasn’t hinging my relationship with Him on me getting what I was asking for. I let all that go. I talked to God in prayer; God talked to me through His Word.
I learned what it meant to give myself completely to God. I had a couple of striking prayer times when I literally laid on my face (who knows, probably for an hour), and I was serious about giving all of myself to God, no matter what the cost or the consequence of that. I was dead serious: “God, take all of me and do with me whatever you want.” It’s a terrifying action: What would happen to me? At that point I didn’t care; I was sincere—God could have all of me to do whatever He wanted. As I laid on my face, I intentionally thought through my whole life—past, present, and future; I move my arms taking my childhood, my memories, my family, my job, my hurts, my disappointments, my doubts, my joys, my dreams, my desires—and reached over my head and laid it at God’s feet. And I meant it. I did this many times, often crying while I did it. I started praying things like, “God, do with me whatever you want. I’ll pay whatever price. I’ll do whatever you ask.” I started praying things like “God, make your heart my heart, your mind my mind, your thoughts my thoughts, your words my words, your hands my hands, your feet my feet.” I told Him, “I don’t want to be ME anymore; I want to be YOU living in ME.” So many times I didn’t know what to pray, and sometimes for many minutes I would just pray, “God, I need you. God, I need you.”
I felt so empty and helpless, so needy and desperate. I was growing and learning, but my heart was so dark. It was upsetting to me that all through this time my depression worsened, which made me very angry with God. Sometimes I would go out into large, deserted places, like a field, or when I was alone in my house, and scream at God—literally scream and yell at Him, I was so angry.
I was in this state for 2-3 years. It was awful. BUT I NEVER QUIT. I never stopped seeking God.
It changed the way I read the Bible. I found that I don’t read the Bible like everyone else. My experiences make me read it more deeply, critically, between the lines, thoughtfully, and also meaningfully. It came alive in my hands and in my mind. I read the Bible like a madman. It’s my lifeline.
It changed the way I pray and how I look at prayer. I rarely ask God for stuff. My prayer life is seeking God, not seeking answers.
It changed my understanding of what faith is all about. Faith is about me finding God’s side and staying there, no matter what it means for me. It’s not about getting God to approve of what I’m after. Faith is about my confidence to let God do whatever He wants, and for me to find that path, not about getting Him to walk in MY life. It’s a whole different way of thinking and living.
Here’s a HUGE thing I learned: I was so angry at God for letting me go through all this garbage and for my life not being smoother and more normal, but as I look back on those years, I learned things I could never possibly have learned unless I was in the pit. In other words, my relationship with God is far different from that of other Christians. I walk at a much deeper level. The difference is so obvious when I’m with other believers. My suffering is what brought me to this place of priceless relationship with God. Without it, no one could ever reach it. What I’m saying is that the things you are going through are the tools God is using to make you into all you can be in God, and there’s no other path to that. Don’t envy the people with easier lives; they will NEVER see what you are seeing; they will NEVER know the things you are able to learn. The mud and despair you walk in brings you into the very presence of God, and the fields and sunshine they walk in will never accomplish the same thing. Your eyes will see things they don’t have a chance of seeing. Your soul will experience the dark so profoundly that God’s light will penetrate your heart in ways those people don’t even dream. In other words, the way to God’s heart is through suffering. Don’t begrudge it, and don’t envy the light-hearted. Yes, they have it easy, but your life (as odd as this sounds to say) is a blessing. You need eyes to see it for what it is. Right now you see it as a ripoff—you’re being cheated out of all the good things other people get so easily, and all the happiness you see them having. God has a different path for you—a much better one, a path of immense blessing. What you have suffered, yes, makes you feel that God is not good, but it is actually the only path to HIs glory. You will see things the easy-goers will never see.
Some verses for you to read and meditate on:
Romans 5.3-5
James 1.2-4
1 Peter 5.10
2 Cor. 1.3-11
2 Cor. 4.17
Rom. 8.18
Phil. 3.10-11
1 Peter 2.21
There are so many.
I’ll stop here. I’ve written a long letter, and there is so much more to say. If you want to keep writing, feel free. I will answer you. If you want to talk on the phone, we can.
I actually had a long conversation on my website with a woman who was experiencing severe chronic pain for many years. It was ruining her life. I said many of the same things to her that I’m saying to you, but over the course of many interactions, it’s much longer than what I have written to you here. If you want to read it, it’s up to you. I’m just letting you know it’s there. It’s on my website in 6 different conversations.
https://www.the3rdchoice.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=10037 So much pain with no relief in sight
https://www.the3rdchoice.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=10038 My expectations of God have changed
https://www.the3rdchoice.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=10039 Is God active or inactive?
https://www.the3rdchoice.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=10040 What good is God if He leaves you horrible and terrified?
https://www.the3rdchoice.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=10041 Still struggling physically, emotionally, spiritually
https://www.the3rdchoice.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=10042 Too much pain. God is not there. I’m alone.
